Beauty in the Uncertainty

Just when I was beginning to emerge, I need to retreat again. These are the layers of uncertainty that I am sitting with at the moment. Upon reflection this is indeed the truth of existence, isn’t it? One moment you are going about your life and the next moment it is changing direction. This time in my life seems to be calling me to totally STOP.

Stop everything and focus solely on my health. Mental, physical, emotional, and spiritual health.

*Warning* trigger alert for some of you in this blog

This part of my life I haven’t wanted to share too much about until now. However, I feel that it is important for me to allow all the layers of my life to keep showing me the edges of myself. So here we go!

In July I was given a possible Thyroid cancer diagnosis and subsequent surgery. The surgery went well and it was confirmed that yes it was a cancer and thinking that I am in the all clear I decided to begin truly living my best happy life and started making big plans. Then at the follow up appointment with my specialist this month revealed that it is an angry little cancer which means more surgery and radiation therapy. It took me a while to let that all sink in as I went straight into planning mode….until an incident at work meant I needed to pull the breaks. I finally had to sit still and examine my life, my health and my triggers.

Delving into the past and the present questions that arise are: where am I still not fully expressing myself? Where are my boundaries still lacking? I came to the stark realisation that being articulate is not the same as expressing myself. I thought it was, and then I realised that so many times I sugarcoat or diminish my expression and repress my true voice. The inner child wound is activated here. Being the ‘good girl’, speaking quietly, not making a scene, being overtly ‘understanding’ and my favourite one, “being strong”, sucking it up and pushing forward….huge *SIGH*.

I feel to share all of this candidly in this moment as I am in the middle of it all, because it is important for me to acknowledge that in all of this uncertainty there is beauty. There are so many loving and supportive messages and call to prayer I have received. So many who have showed up with their kindness and their positive vibes. The truth is I don’t know how this will all turn out. I woke up today with the song “ Into the unknown” from Frozen in my mind. And yes it is exactly that. All I know is at this moment in time the siren button of overwhelm is constantly going off. And that alarm is unanimously asking me to STOP everything. I sat with whether I should even be doing this blog? After some starts and stops I realised that my creativity is such a big part of my expression, my commitment to myself and my map for empowerment. If there ever is a time to allow the outpouring of inspiration it is now, especially as I prepare to walk into the unknown.

Something I do know deep within is that in each moment of my life lived there is potential for the persistence of beauty. At this moment in time I don’t feel very strong. I feel fragile, confused, spaced out, I feel the cortisol clouding my brain, yet I still remain the observer of all of this and there is beauty in that too. My core belief is that we are not our bodies- who I am is not my body or even my mind. Yet what illness does is make you examine the mechanism for which that true “self” is experiencing life.

Right now, my body has stored so much trauma that it is bursting and as I begin, again, to examine myself and seek out simple solutions the universe showed me an extraordinary thing- the power of gratitude and love. The out-pouring of support and prayers. The confidence of everyone around me that I will be and that I am ok. Witnessing how dear I am and feeling that love has indeed filled up the empty spaces. If nothing else achieved in my life, it is this moment of recognition that I am loved. Love is all around me, love is within me. There is an unknown path ahead and it will take the course it will take.

I have started working with a Psychologist- finally allowing myself to go into talk therapy as well. She asked me to reflect on what brings me joy until our next session. Which was a great question for the joy-hunter quester that I aim to be. One thing that really filled my cup this month was witnessing the absolute love, gratitude and expression of authenticity of my hairdresser celebrating 12 years of her business and sharing her journey and ambition of supporting other women. She hosted a party in the local neighbourhood centre to launch a new line of beauty products, to promote other affiliate businesses and mostly to share her story of coming from a small village in India and forging her own destiny with hard work, clarity of vision and an unwavering humility. I have known her for these 12 years and witnessed her growth as a woman and a business owner. Her generosity, kindness, love and positivity- always smiling and lifting other women up. Witnessing her dancing and being in her full joy was the most wonderful expression of beauty. To create a space for acknowledging her clients as her family and seeing that growth, this really is a soul lead- purpose led life. It was the perfect mirror for me to see the power of living fully in trust and gathering your village around you across many cultures and more than that, it was the power of the divine feminine, that true success is about lifting each other up and witness the beauty within each of our talents and truly celebrating that as sisters.

I am not sure what is next for me and I am keeping the tabs open. My plan is simply to meet myself in each moment and allow myself to truly heal. My big picture goal is to strive for authenticity in my expression of beauty within the uncertainty as I step into the unknown.

P.S. if you enjoyed this blog and the work I am sharing with you and feel the call to support me on this path please see below a donation form. Everything is energy and your contribution means the world to me. Many blessings and thank you.