Today I want to talk about Grief. Why? Well as September came to a close and I sat in my morning meditation I recieved such powerful guidance and healing from the Universe! I was shown that I am still carrying grief in my heart and need to let it go so love can find its way back in to fill in those holes left behind- some microscopic and others the size of craters. I was shown that love is more powerful than my grief. When I allow space for love to flow, only then can I feel more alive, more present and move from the state of numbness I often feel into a state of connection. It blew me away.
So let’s unpack grief for a moment. Grief, a word that carries such heaviness. A word that does little to truly capture the depths of pain felt when experiencing loss. I’m not just talking about the loss of a beloved, human or fur friend. Grief is like a shriveled prune that wedges itself wherever there is any loss felt. Loss of a relationship, loss of identity, loss of homeland, loss of way of being that no longer can serve you. Grief attaches itself to our desire to keep everything the same. We grieve for the absence of that thing we have formed an attachment to. Grief is like the game “stuck in the mud” you can’t move until someone tips you. Releases you from its hold. I truly felt the un-sticking yesterday.
What was my grief about? Why was I shown that I am carrying grief in my heart. Hadn’t I buried it with my placenta ceremony in July? There were so many layers shown to me. More than I realised. I held onto grief as a way of staying with the story. It wasn’t so much a psychological process going through the five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance that famous psychologist Elizabeth Kübler-Ross theories. I had grief trapped in my body, trapped in my bones.
I’ve been reading a lot about how trauma is trapped in the body and recently began self-healing with a daily unstructured movement practice. Noticing blocks in my hips, knees, and pelvis. Well….no mystery there. My birth trauma was trapped in these parts of me. The parts of me that grieved for a labour that never happened as I had an emergencyc-section. The parts of me that grieved for my body pumped full of medications, cut open, and swollen. The parts of me that grieved for the separation between mother and child after birth as my darling was in the NICU and me in recovery post op. The parts of me that grieved for all absences of significant moments post partum: not having skin to skin, not having immediate breastfeeding, not being able to walk properly, not having the first photo of my baby in those silly pink hospital blankets! All these I thought I processed and accepted as I sat with gratitude that I’m alive, my baby is alive. That we survived as a family. That my baby is thriving….but all these losses were indeed trapped in my body. Creating a crust of tar around my heart on an energetic level. A scar in the subtle realms.
I was shown that my personal of grief was also the communal grief of feeling the illusion separation; of feeling pangs disconnection. My body is the earth swollen with tears. My scar is the scars of the dried up rivers and the severed trees. My burning heart is the fires that burn in Pachamama. My grief is the grief of all mothers. So too is my release, the release of suffering. My healing is also the healing of the earth. The opening of my heart to love is the portal to bringing lightness back into the cosmic heart.
We are indeed all connected. I feel to share my experience for this very reason. Too long do we hang onto grief, to our losses, to our ‘what may have been’ stories. These all get trapped in our bodies, in our bones. Literally moving and shaking and tapping it out shifts it enough to allow love to polish the chambers of our hearts once again.
This is how I am moving through my grief.